Originally posted on One Room With A View on December 21st 2016.
With Rogue One, the first of the Star Wars Stories proving to be a critical and commercial success, now is the time to look forward to what else Disney might create in this boundless Star Wars universe. Gareth Edwards successfully introduced a new, grittier aesthetic and a bleaker tone, proving there’s more than one way to play this space opera.
The Last of the Jedi, aka Young Obi-Wan
Obi-Wan’s decision to seclude himself in the sandy arsehole of Tatooine to ‘watch over’ Luke seems like more and more of a dick move when you think about it. Sure, hundreds of his fellow Jedi were slaughtered in Order 66, but it’s not like all resistance was crushed: as the events of Rogue One and canonical animated series Star Wars Rebels have shown, there are still countless people willing to lay down their lives for the cause of hope and freedom.
We know that three notable Jedi – Obi-Wan, Yoda and Ahsoka Tano – were still alive and kicking between the events of Revenge of the Sith and Star Wars Rebels; would they really hide themselves away while the rebellion was dying for their cause?
It would be thrilling to see the last pockets of resistance, led by those three Jedi and a burgeoning rebellion (Young Wedge! Young Mon Mothma! Young Admiral Ackbar!). Ewan McGregor is the perfect age to reprise his lovably stilted turn as Obi-Wan, and who doesn’t want to see more of Yoda in ass-kicking form? Plus, a feature-length introduction to one of the series’ best female characters in Ahsoka would be welcome after the recent progress seen in The Force Awakens and Rogue One. Of course, you can’t have a real war with only side, which leads to the companion film…
Rise of the Empire, aka The Vader Years
One of the biggest mistakes of the prequels was its handling of Anakin Skywalker, turning what could have been a solid tragic backstory into a mawkish angst-ridden whineathon. Here’s a chance to right that wrong and give Vader the screentime and depth he deserves.
Basically, this would be a Vader film, following the Sith Lord supreme as he slaughters more innocents (“Not the younglings!”) across the galaxy. Vader has a fearsome reputation, but we rarely see him in action. Just look at how terrifyingly brutal he was in the final minutes of Rogue One – how could you say no to more of that?
What’s more, his rise to power could provide a real reason for the three Jedi to retreat from open warfare. Maybe an epic showdown between Grandmaster Yoda, his former master Obi-Wan, and his former Padawan Ahsoka, that proves how powerful Vader has become and leads to them giving up hope. It could also play on Anakin/Vader’s betrayal of his former allies and exploit his guilt over joining the dark side.
Boba Fett: Bounty Hunter
We know the start of Boba’s story (spurred to revenge by Mace Windu decapitating his dad in front of him) and the end (getting knocked arse-over-tit into the gaping maws of the Sarlaac), but what about the middle?
A teenage Boba features in some of the animated Clone Wars series, but fans have always been desperate to see more of Boba in full flight, as an armed and dangerous bounty hunter. The moral conflicts of being asked to kill whoever the highest bidder wants could make for fascinating viewing, and the action itself should be superb with Boba’s jetpack and twin blasters ready for action.
Knights of the Old Republic
Rogue One and The Force Awakens have proven to various extents that new characters can not only survive but flourish in the crowded canon of Star Wars. So how about the bold step of abandoning familiar characters completely and returning to the Old Republic? This world was first established in the popular 2003 videogame, but let’s be honest, it’s effectively a blank slate. Hire some talented writers and let them loose on this more medieval world, set around 4000 years before the events of A New Hope.
The designs and mythology of this universe are enduring, so why shackle yourself to stories that demand a cameo by a familiar face in order to function? Just imagine a world where both the Jedi and the Sith are new and flourishing, the first of the many conflicts these two factions have waged against each other. It’s a chance to rewrite history.
Cassian Andor: Intergalactic Man of Mystery
Rogue One did a great job developing Cassian Andor, the reluctant rebel spy who’s done things he’s not proud of in the name of freedom. Why not explore the smouldering spy’s backstory in all its glory? The women he’s bedded to secure vital intel, the men he’s killed for standing in his way, and the droids he’s deprogrammed just so he can have a sarky shipmate to pass the time with. You could even have him run into Jabba the Hutt.
Think of it as a kind of sci-fi Mexploitation flick, a cross between Desperado, Moonraker and Austin Powers. Cassian and his droid sidekick K-2SO were the best things about Rogue One; let’s give them all the screentime we can find.
**Disclaimer: in case you hadn’t noticed, these pitches are going to get a little silly from here on out**
Ackbar: A Mon Calamari Musical
If Kathleen Kennedy and co. have any business sense they’ll jump straight on the bandwagon and make the obvious next step for any Star Wars expanded universe: an Admiral Ackbar/Hamilton mash-up.
Just think of the potential! Both stories about a noble rebellion against an overwhelming imperial power, with charming, handsome and, er, fish-like protagonists. The songlist practically writes itself: ‘Vader Refuted’, ‘Sabers and Blasters’, ‘Endor (The World Turned Upside Down)’, ‘Mothma on Your Side’, and new original composition ‘It’s A Trap! (ft. Fetty Wap)’.
From a clumsy liability on the battlefield to (somehow) a junior representative of Naboo at the Galactic Senate, Jar Jar has had quite the journey. Hated by adults, hated by children, Jar Jar is probably even hated by his mum. Thanks to a bit of good ol’-fashioned historical revisionism, Hollywood now casts Jar Jar as a noble victim of the system.
In this worthy historical drama, alike in spirit to Milk or Selma, Jar Jar fights his way to a seat at the table in order to have the voice of his people heard. Where Harvey Milk fought homophobia and Martin Luther King Jr. fought racism, Jar Jar fights against the weight of his own stupidity to prove that even if you’re a talentless, squawking buffoon you can still achieve a worrying amount of political success.
Carry On Up The Kyber
A farcical sex comedy where the occupying imperial forces in Naboo find themselves under attack from a group of rebels, desperate to obtain Kyber crystals for their Jedi allies. The rebels set up camp in the Empire’s Kyber Pass, before using the force to discover their enemy’s weakness and attack from the rear. Lone Jedi Kha-Si attempts to dump the Empire’s stock of Kyber crystals as they are being transported off-planet, but he is prevented by a blockage in the ship’s exhaust. The film ends with the Jedi forces lifting up their robes to scare away the imperial forces.
The Star Wars Holiday Special
A film following the rest of Chewbacca’s Wookiee family back on the planet Kashyyyk. We join his wife Malla, his father Itchy and his son Lumpy as they cook with Beatrice Arthur, seduce Diahann Caroll and play with Jefferson Starship. None of them speak English. None of them are subtitled. Instead they just do that Wookkiee growl for an hour.